WITH TONGUE IN CHEEK-AND PEN IN HAND-THE FRENCH HORN PIPER

by Nancy Robitaille 

A few years ago a reader of the African Violet Magazine wrote about the effects of music on our African violets.  I would like to say more about this.  In fact, I could offer my own experience on the same subject.

Of course, singing or merely talking to plants, allows them to absorb the carbon dioxide which come from our lungs.

However, I am a professional French horn player and I practice side by side of my plant stand—three hours every day, including Mondays.  What I would like to know is—is there a specific composer—baroque or modern—I should concentrate on?

The stand does seem to vibrate with certain notes, so I assume the stand quivers, not in appreciation of my versatility in music, but rather in rhythm to my technique!

Conversely, the only reaction I receive from the plants themselves, is great heads of bloom, but foliage too poor for exposition.

To date, I have not been able to break a fluorescent bulb, even by playing a “screaming mimi”—the way Boy George and other popular singers used to do.  Perhaps I am using the wrong instrument.  My Mom should have made me a falsetto tenor.

Here are some of the scientific facts I have found that should be listed in any book written on the subject of “ How to Save Money by Making Your Plant Room Your Music Room”.

Written high F sharp makes the stand quiver like a bowl full of Jell-O.  Scales and arpeggios seem not to affect the plants adversely; however, cadenzas of Gliere and Mozart have them waving their blooms ad libitum to the music.

That is, all except PIXIE BLUE, who sits idly by just making yet ANOTHER  rosette.

It has been noted that trills have an effect on whitefly.  They seem to buzz around like bees whenever I get a-goin’ with lip trills.

The fact that GRANGER’S DESERT DAWN produces true to pinwheel with a leaf cutting can perhaps be attributed to the fact that I water once monthly with H 2 O and practice one hour a day with the bell of my horn pointed at the mother leaf.

A cure for suckers has at last been found—no sucker pluckers or nut picks allowed in my plant/music room!  All that is necessary is to empty the moisture gathered in the horn periodically on the plants.  It looks so disgusting, dripping onto the plants suckers just naturally fall off.

Low notes seem to stimulate the root system, and will turn brown roots into white, overnight, as  well as make Mr. Pritchard’s bugs go crazy.

An over-abundance of false notes makes all the singles drop.  I do not attribute this to my pharmacy full of suggestions about using garlic, epsom salts, Knox gelatin, birth control pills, spinach juice, Vitamin C tablets, and eggs (still don’t know if doubles prefer scrambled!) Music is still the cure-all for your problems.  Just dump any suggestion from the Eggs-perts!

Now, to get back to my list for that book.  I have noticed that harmonic minor scales seem to adversely affect the double pinks, but melodic minor scales seem to make their large heads hang in shame.  So I suggest you keep strickly away from all types of minor scales.  They don’t help your technique anyway!

To be truthful, when the practice period contains low, soft, calming music, the plants go right to sleep.  They don’t make any chlorophyll; they don’t make buds or allow blossoms to develop fully; so the only solution is to play softly during the first hour.  The the other two hours, you must rip it out vigorously, strenuously and especially, LOUDLY!

Now, take little DORA BAKER.  She can make it through any amount of punishment I dish out to her.  She’s so good for design.  She has withstood 23 of the 25 species of mites, thrips, whitefly and ulcers of the left peduncle—and there she stands, bravely waving her pink-dotted blue/green doubles—all ready for show.

And that SEMALU of Michel Tremblay’s.  It simply stands around curling it symmetrical bronze leaves, waiting for me to play Viennese Valses.  It likes romantic music, but doesn’t care for Romeo and Juliette by Prokofiev.

LILLIAN JARRET is one leopard who never changes her spots—even when I blast a fortissimo!

In closing (whew!) I must state that I am a member of the musicians union and as such can permit only LIVE music in my plant room.  I recommend you use union musicians and you should pay union scale to anyone you hire.  After all, how would you like it if BEST OF SHOW was one of those plastic african violets now on the market?